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| by Roger T. Pipe |
June 1, 2001
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| Summer is heating up and the rolling blackouts just keep coming for those of us in sunny SoCal. I know you don't want me to start out with a political rant, so I'll leave comments on that for later. Instead, I'll talk about something that is more important to all of us. Some of you may not have realized it, but May was National Self Love Month. I hope you all stocked up on your favorite smut flicks and celebrated appropriately. You know, I'm a big supporter in healthy, self love, but do we really need a whole month for it? Come to think of it, this ties in nicely with the whole energy issue. With rolling blackouts, only battery operated 'entertainment' devices will be reliable. Perhaps every month should be self love month.
One man who has raised self love to an art for is Shaqueal O'Neal. The seven foot monster hoopster likes to try and convince people he's not the mono-sylabic cretin we see on TV after the game, yet every time he opens his mouth, something utterly stupid comes out. This month, his monster ego got him into some Shaq sized trouble. Bragging to the press about his sexual prowess, MENSA O'Neal claimed to have banged both Cindy Crawford and tennis star Venus Williams. Forget for a moment that anyone who could bang Cindy wouldn't be caught dead hooking up with the elder Predator brother. Shaq, why in the world would brag about banging Venus? That's the kind of thing you take shamefully to your grave. To make matters worse, the young tennis star vheomently denied the liason and was less than thrilled to be on O'Neal's fantasy list. So I ask you, which is worse, picking Venus as a sexual conquest to brag about or having her sickened at the thought?
Someone who would be worth bragging about bagging is Survivor II's Amber. Though no where near as universally lusted after as ultra cute Elizabeth, Amber has more than a few viewers panting at the thought of her baring it all for a certain men's magazine. Playboy may still be in Amber's future, but for now, skin hungry Amber fans are going to have to settle for seeing her next month's issue of Stuff magazine. Consider this the next step on her rise as a pop culture princess.
Never one to let a good thing go on for too long, Shannen Doherty has jumped off another successful ship. After three years on the hit TV series Charmed, Doherty has announced that she won't be back next season. This makes two Aaron Spelling shows Shannen has left, departing from Beverly Hills 90210 several years ago. Even though she left at the height of her own popularity, Doherty never did manage to get a movie career going. Even an appearance in Playboy couldn't land her anything better than Kevin Smith's disappointing "Mallrats." (Her best movie roll, in "Heathers" came before 90210.) One can only hope that Spelling will develop another show in a few years so Shannen can come back for a few more seasons in the spotlight.
From the 'no fucking shit' file, REM front man Michael Stipe announced this month that he had been in a homosexual relationship for the past three years. While this is the first time Stipe has announced his sexual orientation, his coming out is hardly news to anyone who has followed the band. Like I said, no fucking shit.
First it was Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, then Vince Neil and Janine, then Brett Michaels and Pamela, now there are rumors of a new celebrity smut video making the rounds. Rap moguel Suge Knight has yet to get out of jail, but he's already got the music world buzzing. Whether it's additional security measures being taken by former enemies or lawyers batting it out in court, Suge is clearly ready to hit the ground running. On May 11th, Knight's publicist announced that he planned to release a tape called "J-Lo Uncut: The Real Story" later this summer. Rumors have been circulating that a tape of Jennifer Lopez doing the nasty with a long time boyfriend exists and that Knight has purchased said video. Two days after this announcement, Lopez filed for a restraining order preventing Knight from releasing the video tape. Both sides now deny that Knight plans to release an actual tape of J-Lo and that the sexual scenes in the "Uncut" movie are scripted scenes with look-a-like actors. I'm sure we haven't heard the last of this story and you know I'll be following this one closely. Here's hoping this tape doesn't go the way of the Neve Campbell three way tape.
Speaking of Pamela Lee, the long time Baywatch babe and favorite masturbatory fantasy woman has a new beau these days. Just when it looked like she and Tommy Lee might get back together long enough to make another home made tape, Pam was seen with none other than Kid Rock. Always one to make male members stand at attention, Pammy is allegedly fond of getting it on with the Kid in bathrooms. Let's all hope that Rock has the presence of mind to roll tape on a few of their adventures.
After only one season, the XFL has closed down. Plagued by dismal television ratings and constant media bashing, the league floundered through its first year, costing investors millions of dollars. NBC, who annually throws away millions of dollars to keep the WNBA afloat, backed away from the league shortly after the championship game. Without the network support, Vince McMahon pulled the plug on his football league, leaving a few hundred thousand football fans with nothing to do in the spring.
Just a few months after leaving Legend to distribute his own movies, Max Hardcore will be trying something new. In an AVN story this month, Max spoke of his plans for a kinder, gentler Hardcore. Discussing the current condition in porn and the existing competition to produce the hardest, nastiest product. As a pioneer in the porn world, known for doing the hardest scenes ever seen, Max found himself swept in a fan an contemporary fueled war to be the baddest of the bad. I've long criticized these movies as un-erotic and unworthy of his talents and for that I've had all kinds of trouble. However, Max says that he finds movies that depict women suffering are not erotic to him and he plans to back off from the more abusive aspects of his movies. This is a bold move by Max and one that is sure to alienate a portion of his audience. However, it will also bring his work back into the realm of the erotic where it can be appreciated by raincoaters who miss the movies that made him a legend.
One man who has learned his lessons from Max Hardcore movies, Brandon Iron, is back behind the camera. After a short stint with Extreme Associates, (as Alek Hidell) Brandon has landed on Max's old doorstep. Taking on a teen line for Legend, Iron is back in the saddle. No word yet on whether he will bring his Slap Happy movies to his new home, but he will certainly spend plenty of time choking young chicks with that big cock of his.
Odyssey Group has added a few new lines to their roster with the acquisition of All Good Video. The company that brought us Freshman Fantasies and Shut Up & Blow Me now joins the company that is home to Rodney Moore and Shane's World. This should be a successful marriage of no nonsense sex videos and high quality smut.
From the too absurd to be made up file comes this news of a protest organized against an orange juice commercial. The animated ad features Popeye and Bluto. The long time rivals finish the commercial by riding off on a bicycle together while Olive Oyl watches in confusion. Protesters feel that the ad promotes homosexuality and want it pulled immediately. I'd say that some people need to lighten up and find better things to do with their time and energy.
The Tera Patrick Express just keeps rolling right along. At Cannes last month, the beautiful brunette took home the Best Actress award. Last year, she was honored as the Best New Starlet, the first of six such awards for Ms. Patrick. After winning the award, Tera said "Thank you Hot Video Magazine. With the support of Digital Playground, I will continue to set new standards for the adult industry. I am excited about the year ahead, as your ceremony pushes me to do the best that I can. From the bottom of my heart, thank you ALL so much."
This month, Rev. Al Sharpton announced his plans to run for President in 2004. With top Democrats saying recently, that Senator Jim Jeffords defection from the Republican Party is a sign that Moderates have not place in the GOP, it strikes me as ironic that they would remain silent as an unashamed racist, liar and schemer plans to run under their banner. Hopefully, they will show they really do care about Moderates and do the slanderous Reverend what the GOP finally did to Pat Buchanan. (But don't hold your breath.)
Las Vegas Novelties has another big star on their team this month. Kylie Ireland has signed a five year deal with LVNI. The exclusive novelty contract with Serenity's company puts Kylie on the same toy team as Jewel De'Nyle, Jacklyn Lick, Chloe, Julie Meadows, Angel Veil, Heather Bankx and Lee Stone. Superstar and company president Serenity had this to say. "We had been looking at Kylie for some time. The time was finally right, and we are very happy to have her now as part of our Las Vegas Novelties family." Kylie adds, "I had been wanting to be with Las Vegas Novelties for some time. I am great friends with all the contract players there and I'm looking forward to this new adventure!"
My friends at Mystique Video have announced that they have added a new twist to their solo cheerleader videos. Starting with the next shoots of Cherry Mirage and Kiki D'Aire, the Handmaidens line will consist of some Sybian scenes. The motorized sex toy has been used in Seymore Butts videos and will now be part of the Mystique arsenal as well. Pictures have been promised to me and I'll add them to next month's column.
Finally, the porn world can only wish they had a line on the new Britney Spears interactive project. Having already made her mark on music, merchandise, marketing and masturbatory fantasies, Britney is working on an interactive DVD called "Experience Britney." The DVD will use 360 degree technology and footage from Spears' world tour to allow the user to maneuver through the backstage landscape. No word on how long players will be allowed to hang around in the dressing room. While I would rather see a little Virtual Sex with Britney hitting the shelves, this DVD should be in stores at the end of this year.
Well my friends, let the summer commence. Be sure to take some time out for your busy porn schedule to enjoy some sun, suds and surf. Get out to a baseball game when you can, catch "Boston Public" in re-runs and make sure to use sun screen, especially on the nude beaches. Remember, nothing hurts quite as badly as a burnt boner.
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